1 Mar 2009
Logical Techno Manners: Dinner With Cthulhu
The weekend is coming up and the phone is ringing off the hook. You don’t want to answer because you already know who it is. It’s Cthulhu and It’s probably wondering why you guys never hang out any more.
Unwilling to offend this ancient horror from the other side, you finally realize that you must find something to do together. But what? Your new friends probably don’t know about your history with the Necronomicon and the last time you took Cthulhu out, It drove three Sushi chefs mad before causing unspeakable terror in the local bistro.
There’s only one reasonable option. You must summon Cthulhu for a quiet dinner at home. But even this is fraught with absolute peril. At home or out on the town, Cthulhu has never been easy to entertain. When Its not driving you crazy by the sheer unmitigated horror of double dipping, Its spilling wine on the carpet. Then, of course, there’s the odor.
You’ll find that dinner may go easier if you simply accept it as a chore and prepare accordingly. Before your old friend even appears, you may want to inform the neighbors that you’ll be entertaining unspeakable evil on Saturday evening. Though they may frown, they’ll be grateful for the heads up.
Tell your friends a little white lie. Let them know that you’ll be out of town for the weekend but, if they don’t hear from you by Monday, they should likely prepare for the end of the world. This lie is excusable because it will save them any embarrassment while imbuing your person with mystery.
Another concern is the furniture. In college, it might have been perfectly acceptable to sit on the floor with Cthulhu, smoking your bong and listening to death metal. And while Cthulhu may still approve of this sort of thing, you’ve grown up.
It’s important that you set boundaries. Let Cthulhu know that this isn’t your old frat house but your home and, in your home, all guests sit on chairs. Luckily some modern designers have produced chairs that will support the unfathomable geometry that drives men mad just to gaze upon it.
(I suggest the Valencia 11 Leather Chaise Lounge. Not only will Cthulhu find this comfortable, it will also be easy to wipe any goo from the high-quality material.)
Now remains the question of what to serve. Seafood is an easy but cliched option that might enrage the ancient beast. (Remember those sushi chefs!) Human hearts are dreadfully difficult to obtain in today’s economy and the police tend to frown upon eating even the low quality, though well marinated, meat that can be found in your local hobo population. Though it is said that pig tastes much like human, you’d be quite foolish to assume your guest could not tell the difference. It is, after all, Cthulu.
A selection of rare steak and a live goat should be prepared. For the steak, simply pan fry each side for two seconds to seal the blood within. As far as the goat goes, just leave it tied to the dining room table until Cthulhu is prepared to eat. Then use your best ceremonial dagger to slit its throat, draw a pentagram upon your forehead with its blood and offer it to Cthulhu. This always earns a belly laugh.
Do not listen to that laugh. It will certainly send you into the abyss of insanity. As a matter of fact, during your entire meal, you should take great care not to listen to Cthulhu and to avoid looking directly at It. The creature was not designed with the simple niceties in mind. Even a moment’s eye contact –with any of Its eyes— has been known to reduce the stout hearted to screaming blobs of trembling hysteria.
Having finished your meal, you may find Cthulhu difficult to get rid of. You have called up what you cannot put down. Fake yawns, comments about the busy day tomorrow or any subtle clues will be lost upon this ancient horror as It tells yet another story about the Sepultura concert you attended together.
Try to be understanding. For a timeless evil such as Cthulhu, twenty years ago might as well be a blink of an eye. Being immune to change, It will not understand that, these days, you have bills to pay and a boss to answer to. Any mention of this will likely meet with blank incomprehension or dismissive comments, which border upon insulting. He may tell you that: “You used to be cool.”
The only way to get rid of Cthulhu is to sacrifice someone else to it. Mention those noisy teenagers down the street and the lack of evil that seems to characterize their lives. Say something like: “Kids today, they just don’t know evil. I hear they practically worship that Justin Timberlake fellow.”
It’s a little known fact that Cthulhu is secretly jealous of Justin Timberlake, for two years even sported a similar hat to the pop idol, and that Its insecurity will encourage the beast to teach those kids a thing or two about real evil. Just tell Cthulhu where they live and relax. It’s their problem now.
